you're so handsome dressed in black, see you in the shadows, i'd love to see you on your back

so strange, so lonely, so confused. my birthday was amazing.

naked, wet, and freezing fucking cold.

what a way to start off the New Year.


what can i say? i am finding it increasingly difficult to give a fuck about this academic drudgery.

as long as i can remember, my life has been a perpetual eternal daydream. i live as another person that doesn't quite exist. i'm always saying something i'll never say. i'm always seen as a person i'll never be. i'm always in someone's arms that i'll never meet. sometimes i can't feel anything at all and those are the best times of all. the people that i love are as they are, and not the way i wish them to be.

i want to spend my days lost and lonely in a ceramics studio, drinking wine and crying into clay in the night. i want to live on wine and coffee all night and sleep during the day.

all i want for christmas is...

a few days off, a tank full of gas, a few good friends, a few substances to abuse, some instruments to play and the open road.

I miss exploring LA. i miss the city. I miss being a dumbass kid who thought she could get away with anything (and for the most part did). I miss lying in the back of his convertible with my feet up and my eyes closed, trying to think as little and feel as much as possible. i miss the days when no music was too loud, no distance was too far, no risk too big.

I miss oblivion. I miss not giving a fuck. It's something that I realize I'll never genuinely feel again. but sometimes when the weather's just right, if i close my eyes and lie in the sun and the right song comes on my ipod i can pretend i'm young again, because i'm never too old to pretend.

i wrote a poem about him in class today. it goes:

sit me on your lap
push me to the floor
bold and craven from your body
i'm hungry at your feet.

A quick rant about discussions in political science classes

What about them? Simply put, I can't stand them. Yeah, it all sounds good in theory, "We're going to foster discussion and debate and hash out our ideas with open minds so we can rethink them and eventually come to more balanced and educated opinions on matters of worldly importance!" YEAH, what could be better, right?!!

Oh wait, except it doesn't really work that way. Instead what ends up happening is a bunch of ill-informed dicks prattle on for what seems like endless hours in subjects they have no authority in and pointlessly argue with each other, trying to prove who knows the most, while I sit there and think about what a waste of time this is, all the while reinforcing for me one of the many reasons I almost never go to class. I go to class to LEARN, preferably from someone like, I dunno, my PROFESSOR, who has like 20 years experience working for the CIA, rather than some random fuckbag who thinks he's qualified to talk about the decline of the US as a superpower just because he passed Poli Sci 101 and read Ch. 1 of the assigned book.

Why come to class if all you're interested in is proving what you already know?? Why not instead just shut the hell up and try to learn something from people that are a lot more well-read and well-versed than you? Or at least just shut the hell up and let ME listen, so that in the future when I talk about something I won't have to sound like a condescending dumbass.

God, I hate people.

lofi photos part 1

I decided to finally rid my camera of the tons of pictures I've been accumulating on it for a while now... and in the voyeuristic world we live in, where every thought is blogged about, every idea is shared, and every emotion over saturated and pumped to death until you get your money's worth, I figure why not post them up? most of these are from adventures this summer in LA, san francisco, vegas, and san diego. let me know what you think if you want. today I saw a man walking a big black hog on a leash at the mall. chew on that.